(CNN) — It’s nearly time for your kid to go back to school — but what if they don’t want to? If so, it may help to know it’s more common than you might realize.
“I speak to educators every day, and they keep telling me that it’s a growing problem,” said Jayne Demsky, founder and CEO of the School Avoidance Alliance, a Mahwah, New Jersey-based company that helps families and schools handle the challenge. Demsky said she’s also seeing more parents than ever joining her online support groups.
I’ve also been hearing about this problem more often in my talks to parents, educators and students across the country about how to manage kids’ screen time.
I’m not surprised it’s happening.
During the summer, kids have more time to be on screens. Many apps have been designed to get them addicted. They’re intensely stimulating and bombard kids with constant dopamine hits in the form of likes or points on video games, usually in exchange for very little effort. No wonder it’s shocking and hard for young people to wake up early, get dressed and sit up straight in classrooms where they’re expected to do hard things without a steady stream of entertainment or rewards.
What’s more, many schools aren’t doing enough to support students’ well-being. Parents keep complaining to me that their kids are sedentary at school, even though humans need to keep moving throughout the day to be healthy. At school, kids often spend little time outdoors — another thing essential for our health.
Many schools don’t devote nearly enough time to letting kids play, which is one of the key ways primary school-age children learn. On top of that, many schools have kids spending lots of time on screens, even though staring at them for long periods can be stressful and exhausting.
A lot of kids realize this situation is not ideal. In fact, kids with school avoidance are usually highly intelligent, Demsky said.
What should you do if your child doesn’t want to go back to school?
Manage screen time at home
If a young person spends much of their day on a digital device during the summer, giving it up on the first day of school is going to be an enormous challenge. Instead, start gradually reducing their screen time before they go back by giving them other fun things to do and setting reasonable limits.
Also make sure your child goes to bed at a reasonable hour to get their body ready to be up for school, and don’t let them sleep in the same room as their phone.
Kids who avoid school often stay up at night so they can sleep during the day to escape feelings of guilt for not going to school, Demsky said. “Most kids don’t do it on purpose,” she said. “It happens naturally.”
Eliminating the distraction of a phone can make it much easier to get to sleep.
Help kids build strong ties with school friends and staff
“Engagement with your peers and your teachers and anyone in the school building is one of those protective factors that keeps kids in school,” Demsky said.
Kids who don’t have connections with adults at school often aren’t disruptive and sometimes fall through the cracks, she noted.
If you think your child is going through this process, ask their teacher and school counselor to meet with them one-on-one to get to know them better.
Also make sure your child participates in extracurricular activities and has unstructured time to get together with friends, both steps that will strengthen their relationships with classmates.
How can you help them keep up their connections with friends sans smartphone? Try a landline, smartwatch or so-called dumb phone that allows them to talk and text but not scroll the internet or apps.
Do not yell at your kid
If your child doesn’t want to get out of bed in the morning for school, “do not yell at them,” Demsky said.
Some people suggest playing loud music to wake them up. “No,” Demsky said. “We want to let the child know that we get it. We understand that this is something they can’t control.”
Let kids know you’re on their side and try to build their confidence by saying something like “I see you’re anxious right now,” Demsky said. “I get it. I know that’s hard, but I know that you have the power to handle this feeling and you will get through this.”
Also, when you start getting warnings from school officials because your child is racking up absences, pressuring your kids will only make them more stressed. Instead, schedule a meeting with school officials to explain the problem and brainstorm solutions together.
“As a parent, you cannot let your child see any of your anxiety,” Demsky said. “You have to project calm.”
Seek support for your child
If your child is avoiding school, seek help from a mental health professional to determine if they have depression or anxiety, Demsky said.
Another possibility is that they need an accommodation for a learning difference. If you think this might be the case, request in writing for them to be evaluated by the school, explaining your reasons, she said.
Also contact your child’s school counselor, who can support them.
If your child shares specific reasons why they’re unhappy at school, talk to their teacher or principal to request changes. You also can advocate for reduced screen time in your school district, which is almost certain to improve kids’ experiences at school.
Many kids aren’t excited to go back to school. To get them to want to return, we may have to go back to old-school methods like pencils, paper and play. In the meantime, try to listen to their concerns, take them seriously and do what you can to support them.
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